The Princess and the Bean
by Krustybunny
Summary: Emma isn't sleeping well. Bad dreams. Here you will see brief entries telling you what she sees, if she sees anything. Inspired by Hooksjournal on Tumblr and Christina Perri's "The Lonely"
1. Sleep Well Princess

I haven't written in one of these since I was in therapy... in jail. But since this has gotten weird, I might as well keep track of it. Make notes and such. Maybe after a few weeks I'll have enough down that I might make sense of it. Find a pattern. Though, I'm hoping writing at 2am won't become the normal thing to do. So here:

* * *

_**Entry 1:**_  
I woke in tears again. A problem that has been happening for a couple of weeks. Just a drowning feeling. Like I couldn't escape a fog as it choked the life out of me. But my room is empty. Quiet. Nothing here to upset me. I end up checking all the rooms just because of old habits dying hard. Henry dead asleep this time. Sometimes he wakes screaming something about a fire and a couple different women trying to talk to him. I feel bad for the kid, but at least he knows what was haunting him. I just end up waking up hurt and scared... lonely. Like when I was a kid. Crying as if I had lost something... no, that isn't right. Someone. Though that can't be what it is, I have all who I want here with me. Each room as it should be. Stupid dream-catcher isn't working. Shouldn't it be holding these bad dreams away?

* * *

_**Entry 2:**_  
Same dreams. I haven't been able to retain much after I wake up, just feelings. Hurt, scared, and alone. I know I'm with someone in the dreams, sometimes its several someones. It's robbing me of any restful sleep. I feel like I'm ghosting through my days. Keeping to routines because I don't know what else to do. It feels wrong. Like I'm missing a step, or forgetting to meet someone somewhere.

* * *

_**Entry 3:**_  
Henry told me a secret today. He has been sleeping in my bed at night. Said he's been doing it for nearly a year. When I asked him why, he said at first it was when the burning room wasn't burning as hot and he could see other people in there. So far he has counted two women and a man. They talk as if they know him, but he doesn't feel afraid of them. It would still freak him out enough that he needed to be in my bed. But he would sneak out before I woke up. He said he didn't want to worry me. I asked if that was at first, then what was it later... he said he was worried about me. Said I started crying in my sleep. Not "someone killed my dog" crying (his own words), but that quiet kind. The kind I've been waking up to lately. He noticed it one night he came into the room for his own reasons. He asked why I was so sad. I kept to the truth, "I don't know why we're having such bad nights kid, but we have each others backs right? We'll get through this." God I hope so.

* * *

_**Entry 4:**_  
So it's not just sleep I have trouble with. I've never had good chances in relationships after him. Tonight was the same deal. Dated the guy for a couple of weeks, and it was over. Usually it's something along the lines of he's married, or a creep. Or I simply lose interest. Tonight was my weirdest excuse yet. We were watching one of the "Pirates" movies. And he made a comment about how the pirates weren't realistic. That was it. Maybe sleep can rid me of my idiotic reasons.

Nope. Woke up, no Henry. Must be having a better night than me. My tears were there though. That vacuum feeling of being alone was there too. But I kept something from my dream, progress right? Blue eyes. Vivid blue. Staring at me like they were waiting for me to do something. Going to write throughout the days now, as the mood strikes. It's not showing much help yet, but maybe it's my day time dealings that make my rest at bay.


	2. Missing

_**Entry 5:**_  
Not that I hold a candle for the guy that left me to pay for his problem, (Though knowing _WHY_ would be great) but he was kinda everywhere today. A comment or an item would be there and trigger a memory. All I felt was annoyed. People should just stay gone. He wasn't there to find out I was pregnant, and if he's still the same then he's not someone who should be around Henry. I miss him I guess, sometimes. Miss the fun, albeit illegal fun. The rush at that age was addicting. We all wish for our stupid young adult days right? No... I don't think that candle burns anymore. But if a guy has a quick grin and a cocky attitude then I'm paying attention. Grow up, Emma! Bad boys are just that, **BAD**.

* * *

**_Entry 6:_**  
First night in months that I don't remember waking up! God keep this up...

Deja vu. Over a hanger. Why would a clothes hanger make me feel like that? Watched _"Princess Bride"_ today. My period must be coming early because the whole thing made me hurt. The lost love, the shutting down... and every time Westley said, _"As you wish..."_ I was crying. The only thing I can say didn't send me to tears was when Westley was acting like he was gods gift to the world. But that's my type isn't it? Now if I could mix Captain Jack Sparrow with Westley's Dred Pirate Robert...

So much for progress. So much for sleeping. So much for bed even. I woke up **STANDING** at my window. In my pj's no less. I don't even want to think about any creeps or gwakers that may have seen me. It is New York after all. Just... ew. Adding sleep walking to the weird-shit-I-do-in-my-sleep list.

* * *

**_Entry 7:_**  
Heard a co-worker today complain about no getting any in a few weeks. Really? I haven't had any in years. I just can't seem to get there. There is always the attraction, but it disappears fast. Maybe its my fault. Can't even manage sleeping. How would I manage sleeping with someone? I mean, my mother (maybe parents) didn't want me. He ditched me for Canada and no jail time. And since, its been at best, sketchy. There was sex at first sure. But these last few years, especially this last one, it just doesn't click on. They aren't enough, or I'm not. God, I'm so fucked up. The worst part is I feel like I'm holding out for someone. Waiting. So stupid.

* * *

**_Entry 8:_**  
Dreamt tonight. I remember most of it. Sorta. I was fighting a man(?). With swords. Over a clock I think. I remembered being worried over my mother. Remember the rush of the fight. I remember liking the guy -yeah it was definitely a guy I was fighting- wishing I had made a different choice. Regretting I didn't even. But I have no way of knowing what over. Sword fights though? Way too many pirate movies lately. Worst part is I woke up at my window again. Setting my webcam up to record should something move. Be nice to see what I'm doing.

* * *

**_Entry 9:_**  
Tonight was another date. First and last time I go through an online service. I should have paid attention to the bulk of the messages. Nothing but slimy assholes looking for a quick easy lay. This one didn't seem so bad. As soon as we met up though, nothing but hands and trying to kiss me. _Seriously?_ Just so done with all of it. I give up. I have Henry. All I need right? I had my chance I guess. And he ran away. So fuck it, fuck them all. I won't get my happy ending, if those even exist. I don't even want to try anymore. Just Henry and me.

What the fuck is wrong with my brain? I swear to god, I swear off trying to find love and my head gives me dreams of this hot guy flirting like a mad man with me. I don't remember what he looks like, just his blue eyes. Intense blue. At least I was still in bed this time.


	3. Restless

_**Entry 10:**_  
New dream this time. Another really sexy guy. Brown eyes though. Sad eyes. He and I were chasing a dog. That's it. Just chasing a dog at night. I woke up in full-blown panic though. Feeling like something was sitting on my chest. Then I only felt loss. I cried, since that was all I could do. I'm better now. But these dreams are getting depressing. Shouldn't have tried to remember them so hard.

* * *

_**Entry 11:**_  
Finally checked my computer to see what shenanigans I've been up to at night. It's just simple things. Creepy as it is to watch you get up and do things. (thank you every ghost and possession movie out there) I was just getting up and walking to the window. Putting my hand on it, and looking up to the sky. No idea what I'm looking at or for. Then I go back to bed. Or rather, under it. I get on my back, shimmy under there, then come back out five minutes later. Every night unless Henry is with me. After I return from under my bed, I get on it and sleep. Some nights, I can see myself crying. I hope I don't do this in front of Walsh.

* * *

**_Entry 12:_**  
I find I can't sleep as well in my room now. Knowing what I'm doing. Its disturbing. So I curl up on the couch. Watching old Disney movies. I always feel sad when I watch a few of them. But they give me that warm fuzzy feeling at the same time.  
My dreams always the same. Blue eyes. Sometimes hard, sometimes playful. Like the owner has a secret. But once in a while they hold something they shouldn't. Those eyes shouldn't look at me that way. Walsh doesn't even look at me that way. No one ever looked at me that way. Wish I could remember the face they go to.

* * *

_**Entry 13:**_  
I thought my window gazing and under bed adventures had stopped when I stopped sleeping in that room. Nope. I make my way in to my room each night. Look out the window, and then shimmy under the bed. Tomorrow, I'm checking what the hell is under there. Maybe If I'm awake, it'll trigger something. Blue eyes…

* * *

_**Entry 14:**_  
I had wriggled under the bed. I found a pocket knife tucked up into the box spring. With it, I've been scratching tally marks into my bed frame. Lots of tally marks. Just around 300. I did it in the foster homes. When I was counting days in the bad ones. But I always gave up around the 150 mark. Why am I doing this now? I want to say I'm just acting out old habits because of stress… but then I would have stopped the tallies by now.

* * *

_**Entry 15:**_  
I check my bed every day now. In case I do something other than scratch a line. Last few weeks were just the scratches. Today I found a crude drawing. Looks like a boat and a question mark. Maybe I just need to go sailing… how nice if it was just that. If Henry knows about my doodles, he doesn't let on. Which is just fine. He has his own nightmares.  
**Tally mark:** 315

* * *

_**Entry 16:**_  
Catching as much as I can here. I was in a cave. I saw tally marks on the wall. But there was a bed or a blanket in the way. I tried to move them, but they were heavy and awkward. A man… accent… asked to help. I gave him a rude response. But he seemed to think it was funny. I hopped on the rock face that was working as the bed frame. Lots of tallies. But they stopped. I know I was arguing with other people about why they stopped. "Lost hope." Then I was trying to get to Henry. Last I remember was those damn blue eyes telling me he knew about loosing hope. Maybe blue eyes and accent man are the same? Rest is gone now. Felt so real… and humid.  
**Tally mark:** 322

* * *

**_Entry 17:_**  
I find that on the days I see Walsh, I dream of blue-eyed accent man. Dream man seems to be the jealous type. But the day after a dream with blue-eyed accent man, I feel hollow. And missing something, like my left hand or my shadow. Days I don't see Walsh, I dream of a man and woman. Friendly and open. Hugging me mostly. Familiar. Might be a foster home I don't remember.  
**Tally mark:** 327  
**New drawing:** A castle

* * *

_**Entry 18:**_  
Walsh is great. Sweet and there. Which is more than I'm used to. But he's…. he's so plain. Guess I do have a thing for bad guys. I have yet to feel that spark I had with Neal. (Walsh must be good for me if I can say his name) Even blue-eyed accent man (really need to come up with a better name for him, too bad I can't ask Henry) gives me more butterflies than Walsh. Sparks aren't needed right? Safe and simple should be enough. No such thing as True Love after all.  
**Tally mark:** 341

* * *

_**Entry 19:**_  
Dream man came again. This dream was…. nice. In a completely adult way. I was glad that Henry wasn't there with me again. There was kissing… that back and forth pull that you do when you've built up too much tension. His hand was in my hair, then it was… other places. It was a NICE dream. He whispered promises and growled like a hungry man. I woke before it finished, of course. Had to changes clothes. REALLY nice dream….

If that's what my head can come up with, then I pity Walsh when he gets his turn. If he gets his turn.  
**Tally mark:** 348

* * *

_**Entry 20:**_  
I've gotten used to these faceless people in my dreams. I always feel lonely after. Some days I even feel like a bad copy of myself. But seeing them at night has become cathartic. I expect the loneliness after. Wrap it around me like a blanket. I accept that even though I have the best kid I could dream of having, and a steady man now, I feel lonely still. Maybe its just my personality. I accept that I'm still a lost girl looking for her parents. I wish I could let that go fully.


End file.
